True Lasting Love and Understanding:
A closeness derived from learning to accept one-another as they were, and are; over a lifetime of shared experiences. Is this the definition of true love? Possibly, in part, but it does not cover all the aspects or types of love. It does not define many of the meanings intended or implied, when we use the word.
LOVE:
- We can LOVE, another animal.
- We can LOVE, the area in which we live.
- We can LOVE, our children.
- We can LOVE, equality.
- We can LOVE, extended family.
- We can LOVE, food or drink.
- We can LOVE, freedom.
- We can LOVE, our heritage.
- We can LOVE, an object (art, car, country, clothing, fabric, etch).
- We can LOVE, the people of our city or community.
- We can LOVE, our nationality
- We can LOVE, our intimate, physical mate.
- We can LOVE, physical activity.
- We can LOVE, sport.
- We can LOVE, that which we believe, or think, is good and right.
- We can LOVE, our work or way of life.
- There is Love of Life.
- There is maternal/paternal LOVE.
- There is Love of power
- There is religious LOVE
- There is physical LOVE.
- There is LOVE for the sake of LOVE.
- There is universal LOVE.
The only thing all the many forms of love have in common is that; while there may be various feelings involved, they are all something we--DO. Love, then, is not a feeling.
Is love then an instinct or need? Part of the answer to this question just may be found in the noted psychologist Abraham Mallow's hierarchy of needs.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often portrayed in the shape of a pyramid, with the largest and most fundamental levels of needs at the bottom, and the need for self-actualization at the top.The most fundamental and basic four layers of the pyramid contain what Maslow called "deficiency needs" or "d-needs": esteem, friendship and love, security, and physical needs. With the exception of the most fundamental (physiological) needs, if these "deficiency needs" are not met, the body gives no physical indication but the individual feels anxious and tense. Maslow's theory suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs. Maslow also coined the term Metamotivation to describe the motivation of people who go beyond the scope of the basic needs and strive for constant betterment. Metamotivated people are driven by B-needs (Being Needs), instead of deficiency needs (D-Needs).
Physiological Needs: For the most part, psychological needs are obvious--they are the literal requirements for an organism's survival. If these requirements are not, the organism simply cannot continue to function. It dies. Air, water, and food are metabolic requirements for survival in all organisms, including the human animal. Clothing and shelter provide necessary protection from the elements. The intensity of the human sexual instinct (physical love) is shaped more by sexual competition than maintaining a birth rate adequate to survival of the species and may quite possibly lead to humanity's demise. Safety Needs When the physical needs are relatively satisfied, the animal, organism, or individuals safety needs take precedence and dominate behaviour. In the absence of physical safety--due to terrorist attack, war, natural disaster, or in cases of family violence, childhood abuse etch--people may experience post traumatic stress. In the absence of economic safety.. due to economic crises and lack of work opportunities-these safety needs may manifest themselves in such things as a preference for job security, grievance procedures for protecting the individual from unilateral authority, savings accounts, insurance policies, disability accommodation and the like. Safety and Security needs include: Personal security, Financial security, Health and well being, Safety net against accidents/illness and their adverse impacts.
Is love, then, simply part of a biological need for survival? In several instances, it well may be: maternal love, in most animals, lasts for only a short period of time,we do not need to love one particular other animal or person; but, another animal or person is necessary for regeneration, and hunting and food gathering become much more efficient, if the tasks are shared. In other instances, this is just not the case; we do not need to love the area in which we live, we do not need to love our country, we do not need to love material things, we do not need to love equality, we do not need to love freedom, etch, etch.
Love and Belonging: After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of animal needs are social and involve feelings of belonging. The need is especially strong in childhood and adolescence and can override the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents which is sometimes called Stockholm syndrome. The absence of this aspect of Maslow's hierarchy- due to hospitalization, neglect, rejection shunning, ostracism, etch- can impact on an individuals ability to form and maintain significant relationships in general, such as, Friendship, Intimacy, Family. All animals need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, whether it comes from a large social group, such as clubs, gangs, office, professional organizations, religious group, sports affiliations, or small social connections (family members, intimate partners, mentors, confidants. They need to love and be loved (sexually and non-sexually by others. In the absence of these elements, many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and depression. This need for belonging can often overcome the physiological and security needs, depending on the strength of the peer pressure.
Esteem: All animals have a need to be respected and to have self- esteem and self respect. Surprisingly, these two traits are far more commonly found among the other animals than they are in the human animal. Many humans in fact, according to Maslow, never come close to reaching either. All animals have a need not only to be respected and held in esteem; but, to have self esteem and self respect. Esteem presents the normal desire of all animals to be accepted and valued by their peers and by others. All animals need to engage themselves to gain recognition and have activities that give a sense of contribution, to be valued, to be accepted.
Self-Esteem: The absolute, complete, acceptance of ones-self; as they were, and are; without any NEED for change. According to Maslow, self-esteem is never a static thing; but you either have it or you do not. There is no such thing as low or high. Self esteem is, however, something you have to work on, constantly, in order to keep, once, and if ever, you have it. Lack of self esteem or an inferiority complex is a serious imbalance. People with no self-esteem grave the respect of others. They may seek control and power, fame and glory, which again depends on others. Note, however, that people lacking self-esteem will not be able to improve their view of themselves simply by receiving fame, respect, and glory externally, but must first accept themselves internally. Dependence on anyone or anything is not love.
Maslow was the first to note two versions of esteem--a lower and higher one. The lower one --derived from others--is the need for strength competence, confidence, freedom, independence, mastery,
The second self-esteem ranks higher because it rests on inner acceptance-- competence won through experience, and self-knowledge. Deprivation of these needs always leads to an inferiority complex, weakness,helplessness and a NEED to change ones self-image. The need to change one's self or surroundings is not love
Obviously, we have a NEED to give and receive Love. But if love can overcome the other needs, then, it must be something more than just a need, method of survival, or instinct. Apparently, some animal species have a capacity for true lasting love, while others just do not-- and not all animals within a particular species seem to have this capacity.
Recent research now shows that--
the average human "relationship" lasts less than 3 years,
Obviously, MAN is one of the animals least capable of:
TRUE AND LASTING LOVE.
On the other hand, dogs, wolves, and geese, over and above most other animals seem to be capable of lasting love. Wolves and wild geese mate for life, and there have been reported cases of the survivor committing suicide, after their mate has been killed.
Then there is the story Greyfriars Bobby:
Greyfriars Bobby was a Skye Terrier who became known in 19th-century Edinburgh for spending 14 years guarding the grave of his owner, John Gray (Old Jock), until he died himself on 14 January 1872 A year later, Lady Burdett-Coutts had a statue and fountain erected at the southern end of the George IV Bridge to commemorate him.
Bobby belonged to John Gray, who worked for the Edinburgh City Police as a night watchman, and the two were inseparable for approximately two years. On 8 February 1858, Gray died of tuberculosis. He was buried in Greyfriars Kirkyard, the graveyard surrounding Greyfriars Kirk in the Old Town of Edinburgh. Bobby, who survived Gray by fourteen years, is said to have spent the rest of his life sitting on his master's grave. Another account has it that he spent a great deal of time at Gray's grave, but that he left regularly for meals at a restaurant beside the graveyard, and may have spent colder winters in nearby houses.
In 1867, when it was argued that a dog without an owner should be destroyed, the Lord Provost of Edinburgh, Sir William Chambers—who was also a director of the Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals—paid for a renewal of Bobby's license, making him the responsibility of the city council.
Bobby died in 1872 and could not be buried within the cemetery itself, since it was and remains consecrated ground. He was buried instead just inside the gate of Greyfriars Kirkyard, not far from John Gray's grave.
The story of Bobby does not tell of a "NEED". In life, Bobby asked for nothing expected nothing, tried to change nothing, received nothing, after his master's death(perhaps a little food and some shelter on an exceptionally cold winter's night) and had to work hard in order to express himself-but Bobby somehow managed define and demonstrate true, lasting, love, acceptance, gratitude, and understanding.
Perhaps, his is the best definition, of TRUE LOVE.
© Al (Alex, Alexander) D Girvan 2011
